Quote

[Jennifer5]

I'd much rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not.

What does that quote mean to you?

[Rick336]

Jennifer,

Thanks for that quote. I love it.

To me it means that life is so much better when we live our lives as God intended instead of pretending to be something we're not.

I believe a healthy self-esteem requires that we approve of ourselves simply because we believe we have values that are worthy of happiness.

And I think an unhealthy self-esteem is when our self-acceptance relies completely on the approval of others.

The way I see it, sometimes closeted gay people are afraid to be open for no other reason than fear of disapproval from others.

And I believe many ex-gays seek to change their natural sexual and affectional orientation as an attempt to get the approval of their family, peers, society and God. Organizations like Focus on the Family and Exodus give them the approval they're looking for. They get married, have a family, and try to be straight only because it gives them the approval they desperately need.

But if a person has a healthy self-esteem they're happy with themselves no matter what others think. They know that their values and goals make them a good, moral person worthy of a good life.

"I'd much rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not" That's the attitude of somebody who has high self-esteem.

Rick

[Jennifer5]

Thanks Rick

[keltic63]

it means you've seen the magnets on my refrigerator!

[Rick336]

I guess I don't mean to say that all closeted gay people or every ex-gay has low self-esteem. But from everything I've learned, self-esteem problems are the reason why so many people are unhappy with their lives.

It's also the reason so many people have self-destructive habits like alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unsafe sex, unhealthy diets, wreckless driving and other dangerous habits and addictions.

Low self-esteem contributes to health problems, financial problems, religious fanaticism, racism, sexism, homophobia, divorce, spouse abuse, child abuse, child molestation, animal abuse, uncontrolled rage, suicide, robbery, rape, murder, and a list of other problems.

So basically low self-esteem contributes to a lot of unhappiness in the world.

I'm not an expert on this, but I have read a lot from experts on the subject over the years. It seems to make sense.

Rick

[Jennifer5]

Rick.... what you say does make sense. Thanks.

Keltic..... I have to say, you'll have to explain yours... I'm slow with these things.


Thanks for responding to this... I don't know why but I liked the quote... I'm starting to understand a little more clearly.........unfortunatly I'll probably miss a lot... I have to go a whole 2-3 days again without checking this site (or any site)... but I'll attempt to catch up evenually oh well... see you in a couple of days

[BruceChris]

Jennifer, and Rick, I like your question, and answer, respectively. One thing that seems obvious to me, and which you have not for some reason pointed out, is that when you just be yourself, relax and enjoy being the happiest and best person that you can, some people will like you. You will
find out who your real friends are. You can learn and grow, and encourage those around you just to be themselves and do likewise. (All this from a
lifelong introvert, who is just now learning the joys of becoming more of a
people person). Read "The Power of Positive thinking", and join a local
"Course in Miracles" group.

O.K., O.K., I am clearly pushing my own agenda here. It worked for me,
but of course you have to find out what works for you.

Peace and Love, BruceChris

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by BruceChris

when you just be yourself, relax and enjoy being the happiest and best person that you can, some people [U]will[U] like you. You will
find out who your real friends are. You can learn and grow, and encourage those around you just to be themselves and do likewise. Peace and Love, BruceChris

Selectivity. I talk about this with friends sometimes. If you are authentic and open, letting people see who you really are, a funny thing happens. Those who don't like what they see don't approach much. Those who *do* approach have done so seeing how and who you are, and they are there because they like the real you. I call it, letting life select out those who want to be around you, your real friends, from those who can't or won't be.

Had an interesting chat about this with a colleague last autumn. He was asking me how I could be so open, what if people don't like it. I shrugged and said, "What if they don't?" He: "Well, I guess those people would stay away from you, so you wouldn't have to worry about being with false friends. everyone you hang out with would be someone you really like, and feel really comfortable with." I nodded & smiled. Then he said, "I can't do that - I'm not as strong as you. It's just too painful to be rejected." he told me he will "never" stop trying to protect himself in the eyes of others because it would be too painful otherwise.

But the thing is, living this way is LESS painful.

TO get back to the quote, yes I like it too. I like to be seen as I am. If someone "loves" me for something I"m not, then there was a serious breakdown somewhere: either I put on a false front and deceived someone, in which case I am wasting energy putting on a facade, or that other person has made an incorrect assumption about who I am and "loves" his assumption, which is in reality his own mind or imagination.

It comes back to whether or not you are seen as you are. There are two parts to that. Allowing the average person to perceive who you are to some degree. To some degree that's our job, to simply be what we are, authentically, without layering our personalities and habits with efforts to be something else. And second, it is the other guy's job to be open enough to perceive you, and not his own thoughts about you.