The Parent Trap

[Daniel]

The Science section in the NYTimes contained the following article on the difficulties of coming out to religious conservative parents. That this stuff still happens is just plain reprehensible.

Originally Posted by NYTimes

When Parents Are Too Toxic to Tolerate
By RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN, M.D.

You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?

Granted, no parent is perfect. And whining about parental failure, real or not, is practically an American pastime that keeps the therapeutic community dutifully employed.

But just as there are ordinary good-enough parents who mysteriously produce a difficult child, there are some decent people who have the misfortune of having a truly toxic parent.

A patient of mine, a lovely woman in her 60s whom I treated for depression, recently asked my advice about how to deal with her aging mother.

“She’s always been extremely abusive of me and my siblings,” she said, as I recall. “Once, on my birthday, she left me a message wishing that I get a disease. Can you believe it?”

Over the years, she had tried to have a relationship with her mother, but the encounters were always painful and upsetting; her mother remained harshly critical and demeaning.

Whether her mother was mentally ill, just plain mean or both was unclear, but there was no question that my patient had decided long ago that the only way to deal with her mother was to avoid her at all costs.

Now that her mother was approaching death, she was torn about yet another effort at reconciliation. “I feel I should try,” my patient told me, “but I know she’ll be awful to me.”

Should she visit and perhaps forgive her mother, or protect herself and live with a sense of guilt, however unjustified? Tough call, and clearly not mine to make.

But it did make me wonder about how therapists deal with adult patients who have toxic parents.

The topic gets little, if any, attention in standard textbooks or in the psychiatric literature, perhaps reflecting the common and mistaken notion that adults, unlike children and the elderly, are not vulnerable to such emotional abuse.

All too often, I think, therapists have a bias to salvage relationships, even those that might be harmful to a patient. Instead, it is crucial to be open-minded and to consider whether maintaining the relationship is really healthy and desirable.

Likewise, the assumption that parents are predisposed to love their children unconditionally and protect them from harm is not universally true. I remember one patient, a man in his mid-20s, who came to me for depression and rock-bottom self-esteem.

It didn’t take long to find out why. He had recently come out as gay to his devoutly religious parents, who responded by disowning him. It gets worse: at a subsequent family dinner, his father took him aside and told him it would have been better if he, rather than his younger brother, had died in a car accident several years earlier.

Though terribly hurt and angry, this young man still hoped he could get his parents to accept his sexuality and asked me to meet with the three of them.

The session did not go well. The parents insisted that his “lifestyle” was a grave sin, incompatible with their deeply held religious beliefs. When I tried to explain that the scientific consensus was that he had no more choice about his sexual orientation than the color of his eyes, they were unmoved. They simply could not accept him as he was.

I was stunned by their implacable hostility and convinced that they were a psychological menace to my patient. As such, I had to do something I have never contemplated before in treatment.

At the next session I suggested that for his psychological well-being he might consider, at least for now, forgoing a relationship with his parents.

I felt this was a drastic measure, akin to amputating a gangrenous limb to save a patient’s life. My patient could not escape all the negative feelings and thoughts about himself that he had internalized from his parents. But at least I could protect him from even more psychological harm.

Easier said than done. He accepted my suggestion with sad resignation, though he did make a few efforts to contact them over the next year. They never responded.

Of course, relationships are rarely all good or bad; even the most abusive parents can sometimes be loving, which is why severing a bond should be a tough, and rare, decision.

Dr. Judith Lewis Herman, a trauma expert who is a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, said she tried to empower patients to take action to protect themselves without giving direct advice.

“Sometimes we consider a paradoxical intervention and say to a patient, ‘I really admire your loyalty to your parents — even at the expense of failing to protect yourself in any way from harm,’ ” Dr. Herman told me in an interview.

The hope is that patients come to see the psychological cost of a harmful relationship and act to change it.

Eventually, my patient made a full recovery from his depression and started dating, though his parents’ absence in his life was never far from his thoughts.

No wonder. Research on early attachment, both in humans and in nonhuman primates, shows that we are hard-wired for bonding — even to those who aren’t very nice to us.

We also know that although prolonged childhood trauma can be toxic to the brain, adults retain the ability later in life to rewire their brains by new experience, including therapy and psychotropic medication.

For example, prolonged stress can kill cells in the hippocampus, a brain area critical for memory. The good news is that adults are able to grow new neurons in this area in the course of normal development. Also, antidepressants encourage the development of new cells in the hippocampus.

It is no stretch, then, to say that having a toxic parent may be harmful to a child’s brain, let alone his feelings. But that damage need not be written in stone.

Of course, we cannot undo history with therapy. But we can help mend brains and minds by removing or reducing stress.

Sometimes, as drastic as it sounds, that means letting go of a toxic parent.

Dr. Richard A. Friedman is a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College.

[Pablo Rafael]

Daniel, I thought this was an excellent post. I didn't comment earlier because I didn't have anything intelligent to add. Unfortunately I think all too many adult gays have had to deal with "toxic" parents. It seems some parents will never be respectful and loving to their children. What a tragic waste of a possible good relationship.

[keltic63]

well, I will say that this article comes at an interesting time in my life. I can't say that I feel my parents are particularly toxic NOW, but they have been. I don't have a lot of animosity toward them, but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of love for them either. It's an odd feeling of having 2 people in my life that had some part in who I've become. To me, at this point in my life, they just "are" and for now, that is just fine.

[Daniel]

Someone once told me that parents are simply our way to get here. A rather reductive thought actually. But there is some sense in it. Everything else is gravy? Would that it was so simple.

We know that newborns need to be touched, held, talked to and loved- which is as much food as is physical nurturing. And to have that withdrawn as an adult? That is something I think. Something that has real consequences even if the relationship hasn't been a good one. It takes a toll. One that is hard to deal with. A death really.

Know what burns me up? Parents who choose what they can't see and touch over what they can see and touch. Their 'love' of God makes them reject their own children. There is something sick about that.

Their God is pretty small. A hard cruel stone of a God. One which they sacrifice their own child on.

[Gennee]

As a parent I understand the magnitude of the decisions I make. I am responsible for them whether they are good or bad. My son has done some things that I don't approve of but I will always love him. I remind him that he is responsible for the decisons that he makes.

It disturbs me when parents reject their children because of their sexual orientation/gender identity. Some children have been thrown out of their homes because of it. God will hold those parents responsible for that.

One of the vows of marriage is that we love each, even when things are less than ideal. There's no certainty how a marriage will turn out just as there is no guarantee that our children will turn out well. Life does throw curves at us; it's how we handle them that shows our character.

Gennee

[Poetic Awakening]

Great article.

If I wasn't married, I'm not sure how my parents would feel. I mean, I wasn't too blunt when I told my dad in an email, but I did say that I felt attraction to other boys. I haven't told my mom, but there are a lot of things I'm sure they pieced together when I was going through some hard times. Funny thing was, they didn't get mad at me and start fighting until I was staying out all night with a girl (whom I now call my wife ). Who knows what would have happened if I had dated boys back then? But my parents have tried to be supporting. I still don't let them in too much, as there are bigger secrets I keep, but I must say I am blessed. They have their faults, sure, but they aren't too terribly toxic, if you ask me.

[Spinning_fiend]

I lost my dad this past year. It is so difficult not having his love and support in my life. My mom is having an identity crisis and I'm having a much smaller one. I can't imagine ever being told while he was alive that I should be dead or that he was cutting me out of his life. I think it would be worse than him dying. It wasn't a choice when he left. At least I can rely on the fact that he was proud of me and loved me when he died. But knowing your parent is alive and choosing not to love you?

Man.... I just can't even comprehend that kind of act...

[pnggrad79]

I haven't been here in a long time, but this very thing happened to me just two days ago. Without going into a lot of detail, it was my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. I was invited along with my two daughters, but my partner was not. I knew that was coming. She isn't even acknowledged on Christmas cards or invitations of any kind. Like she doesn't exist or something.
Well, I went, thinking I could go through with it and not be affected. Well pictures came up and the photographer wanted all the family and their spouses and I couldn't help but feel like the black sheep because my two sisters had their husbands and my brother had his wife, but I didn't have mine.
I made it through the reception and the more I thought about it the madder I got. I went to my hotel fuming and woke up fuming. I went to church the next day and fumed. Of course, the preacher was reciting a monologue with an irritating piano playing through the whole thing and it was distracting. So we went to lunch and afterwards I guess my mom sensed that I was pissed off, so she came up and hugged me.

About 4 p.m. I was approached by my sister, who made me mad about some other things and I unloaded on her. She walked away and then I started to talk to my mother and the conversation went like this:

Me: Why can't you accept me like I am? Why can't you just love me for me and not who you want me to be?
Mom: I do love you, but I don't approve of your lifestyle.
Me: I never asked you to approve. I know better.
Mom: This is killing me.
Me: Well, the way you treat me is killing me.
Mom: I am afraid that God is going to judge you.
Me: Then let God judge me, that is not your job.

That is when my Dad came storming into the room, yanked my arm and told me to "Get out!". I turned around, grabbed my purse, my computer and keys and all the while he was shouting at me to "Get out". So I went to my truck and waited for my daughter to come to the truck to go home.

I know I didn't handle it all that well, but this is just pent up frustration and anger for the past 5 years since I came out. I am tired of being looked at like the black sheep. I am tired of them denying the existence of my wife. I am tired of the judgmental attitude of my parents and family. They contribute nothing to my life, so why should I care what they think.

[bnmoore]

Have you ever read Terry Cole-Whittaker's "What You Think of Me is None of My Business"?

I love the title.

At my parents 50th my mother couldn't say my name. She really didn't remember. She just said "I know you". She lived five more years but she may have already been gone.

I lost my cat and my partner around the same time.

I'm still here and loving every minute of it. Every day above ground is a good day.

[tdogg]

I totally know what you mean. My MO is avoidance whenever possible. My dad was a genius in his time but now totally disabled and not all there mentally. My stepmom does not approve (nor accept) me and there is no mention of my wife, other than to remind me that she is not welcome at their home on the rare occasion I do visit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder as the last time I visited, she was genuinely happy to see me. It was nearly two years since the prior visit, where she couldn't even bring herself to give me a hug - she backed away from my attempt to hug her. Still, it hurts that my wife is not even considered.

My sister does what I do, she avoids any mention of me being gay, my life, my wife. She ignores all she can, while being in touch rarely. I think we see each other once or twice a year. She is protecting her (now teen-aged) children from this horrid lesbian (yes, facetious). While my one-strike convicted felon of a brother visits all the time, watches their house when they are away and sees my niece and nephew often. He is more accepted than me.

But I have many people in my life - family and friends - who love me just as I am and my wife. So while there is some hurt with a few family members and friends who are short-sighted, it does make for a happy life. I would not trade anything or any moment to be accepted by those who do not currently accept me.

[pnggrad79]

T,
I have had a lot of friends as well as my wife tell me to just leave them alone. Another friend has basically "divorced" her toxic parent (her mom) for reasons other than being gay, which she is not. Her mother is a raging alcoholic who spent her child's childhood in the bottle and never gave her child the love she needed. Now my friend is royally messed up. That notwithstanding- I am considering it.
After all this happened, the day after Christmas, I received $50 from my dad, the one who threw me out of the house, and on the card it said, Merry Christmas, I love you, Dad. No apology, no I wish I hadn't done that, nothing, but he was thinking about me at least. He at least wanted me to know that he loved me. Now I don't know what to do.
My wife says, your dad may love you, but it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in the path of their constant condemnation of you. They have a funny way of pointing fingers and then hugging you. Wierd stuff! It is just like my mom a few years ago sending me a birthday card in which she wrote, "You are my first born and flesh of my flesh, and I love you, but God is going to judge you for your chosen lifestyle, and I hope that you understand the curse you are under. Happy Birthday, Love Mom" I read that and was like, Mom you have truly lost it.

It has been a week, and I went thru Christmas in a daze. My wife has been wonderful to me, as well as friends and other family who accept me.

[drobs]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

T,
I have had a lot of friends as well as my wife tell me to just leave them alone. Another friend has basically "divorced" her toxic parent (her mom) for reasons other than being gay, which she is not. Her mother is a raging alcoholic who spent her child's childhood in the bottle and never gave her child the love she needed. Now my friend is royally messed up. That notwithstanding- I am considering it.
After all this happened, the day after Christmas, I received $50 from my dad, the one who threw me out of the house, and on the card it said, Merry Christmas, I love you, Dad. No apology, no I wish I hadn't done that, nothing, but he was thinking about me at least. He at least wanted me to know that he loved me. Now I don't know what to do.
My wife says, your dad may love you, but it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in the path of their constant condemnation of you. They have a funny way of pointing fingers and then hugging you. Wierd stuff! It is just like my mom a few years ago sending me a birthday card in which she wrote, "You are my first born and flesh of my flesh, and I love you, but God is going to judge you for your chosen lifestyle, and I hope that you understand the curse you are under. Happy Birthday, Love Mom" I read that and was like, Mom you have truly lost it.

It has been a week, and I went thru Christmas in a daze. My wife has been wonderful to me, as well as friends and other family who accept me.

Sounds like the Christmas cards Mom sends me. She always has to get a religious dig in. My partner and I both laugh at them.

I realized a long time ago that just about everyone comes from a screwed up family.