Hi, my name is Celia

[CM8]

I'm 35 years old and homosexual. I was 'out' at university and a lapsed christian until i hit 30, then I went back in the closet because of the 'sin'. I've tried for 5 years to change and surpress any feelings I've had for women, infact I made a decision not to entertain any thoughts. I set up a business and worked every hour of the day and night so I had no social life to meet anyone. Now that the business is doing well, I have more time on my hands and so i've been out socialising with friends and as I thought I end up looking at the women not the men in the bars and restaurants. Well, having done lots of research - looking at hebrew and greek texts, different translations and what was going on at the time of the different scriptures (those relating to homosexuality) I've come to the conclusion that most of the texts aren't relevant to us. Infact, the 'biggy' story on sodom is about hospitality. I haven't just read other people's words for it though but i've looked into it myself over and over again and I feel like I'm in a dream. I wished I'd done this study when I was younger then I wouldn't have had to be living in shame for so many years. I always thought I'd have to be celibate but for the last two or three months I've been feeling a mix of emotions. It's angered me to think that homosexuals have been so oppressed, when there is no evidence that G-d classes them as sinful. Well, sorry went on a bit... but, I'm in a mix of emotions. I'd love to 'come out' again and I intend to come out to my friends (most of whom know anyway) but as long as my mother is alive I don't think she could cope with the rejection from other family members so I'd rather just keep saying that I haven't met the right man yet to the family. I hate that though as I hate to lie about it, but my mother's been through enough challenges in her life. Well, that's me.

[scott snedeker]

God created you gay because the is another of His children who He also cretaed Gay Who needs you. And when the two of you find each other and share His Gift of intimacy, He will smile like a parent watching his children opening a gift on Christmas morning.

What is difficult to unlearn is the lies that the above entitlelment to joy is not a given.

As far as family or anyone at you stage of coming out, I found that answering questions about why I am not to be married too prying.

"It is not in my nature." Has been a good response for me in the past.


Fear is difficult to let go of. Holding on to fear causes inner and outer violence.

This is a good place to start. You are where you should be. keep opening up your heart!

[CM8]

Thanks Scott for your encouraging words.

I'm feeling much better now and more excited about my life everyday now. I'm not an overly emotional person but I have been crying like a baby for the past few weeks at the thought that G-d says it's okay to be gay. I expect it's the fact that I've been in the closet for so long and it's like I've been freed out of a small cage or something.

It's really good to be able to share on this site and meet like-minded people. In fact, in myself I am happy with who I am now - it's just everyone's opinions of me that worries me (especially the family!). My brother has been the most accepting of me and has always encouraged me to live my life being true to myself.

As much as I'm angry at the oppression and rejection from the church (in my experience) I can't blame them as I also rejected myself based on the same scriptures. I'm no longer a christian anymore in fact I go to a synagogue now which I love and the one I go to is totally accepting of homosexuals which is great.

Thanks again for your comments

[Gennee]

Hi Celia and welcome. You make an excellent observation about Sodom and Gomorrah. I'm very happy that you have come to accept yorself as a gay person. I'm a transgender person and know that God created me this way for His glory.

I feel that you are moving ahead rather well in being the person God wants you to be.

Gennee

[CM8]

Hi Gennee

Thank you for your reply and for your warm welcome

Yes, I am definitely beginning to accept myself as a gay person now and very relieved that I don't have to be celibate and deny my natural feelings. I am sorry for those or us who are still unaware that they can be free to be who they are and pray that they will come across the truth in scripture and that they will find this forum too

Celia xx

[Pablo Rafael]

Hi Celia,

Welcome to the forums.

Only a few years ago I was a closeted gay who had no intention of ever "coming out". I thought being gay was a sin. It took a lot of effort on the part of God to convince me that being gay was just the way he wanted me to be. It also took some wise Biblical advice from several people to make me realize that the "being gay is a sin" philosophy is not Biblically based. Upon the realization that I was gay and was OK, I thought, "Of course, deep down I knew this all along."

When I "came out", I braced myself for negativity. Almost none came my way. My family and friends have been very supportive and most people thought it was no big deal.

My mom had difficulty with it at the start, but now she has become a strong supporter of gay rights. When she and my boyfriend first met each other, they hit it off. Knowing him has really put my mother's mind at ease. (He is a totally cool guy!). I do not know your mother, but she might get to the same point. I think it is good being honest with one's parents. If I had children, I would want them to talk to me about concerns in their life.

Anyhow, in my long rambling way I am just saying that for me the freedom of being openly who I am and the absence of the stress of being in the closet has been liberating. You might find it the same.

Also I have found a warm, welcoming church home in the Episcopal church. There are places where one can be openly gay and welcomed and valued in the church. Christian AND gay? It's a wonderful combination.

I am sending prayers your way.

Pablo

[CM8]

Hi Pablo,

Thank you for your message. Everyone on this site is so encouraging - it's been a very moving experience.

Since I first wrote on here, I have been able to speak to my mom a little and she has been a lot more understanding that I'd first thought. I told my cousin that I'm going to be true to myself (she's always complained that I've been in a closet and said that I should be who I am which is gay) and she is really pleased that I'm finally being who I am, so maybe it's not going to be as hard as I'd first thought.

I'm not so sure about my mother's christian friends and other family members but it's none of their business anyway. Plus I'm going to take one step at a time.

I've recently converted to Judaism and belong to a liberal synagogue - Jesus is still my saviour but by being part of the Jewish community it means I can celebrate the biblical festivals etc... plus they openly accept homosexuals too which is great. I am not 'out' there yet, but i know that I will be accepted which is great.

Thanks for your prayers and your words of encouragement and for sharing with me your experience - your boyfriend and your mom both sound great! It's been really helpful to hear from other people who've been through the same thing.

Thanks again so much - I really appreciate it

Celia xx