Ugly situation

[antiochian]

Just wondering if someone might have some insight into a situation that's come up. I posted a blog on my facebook page yesterday, sharing my feelings about some lgbt issues. A number of responses came from a guy who I've considered a friend, though not a close friend, and he happens to be the boyfriend of a woman I do consider to be one of my best friends. I'll call her Linda.

I was a little shocked, since he's never shared his views on this before, and basically stated, among other things, that homosexuality is wrong, and that heterosexuality is the "natural, scientific, choice." (I wonder how many scientists would agree with him...) He also echoed the empty words that many homophobes will say about how "I have gay friends and I still love them." Of course, I did find this a bit hurtful, and one of my first instincts was to delete him from my friends list.

The guy is obviously ignorant, not a bad person but very ignorant, and though he claims he's not a Christian and is "anti-Church," has obviously not shaken off fundamentalist ideas. Linda, of course, is also my facebook friend, so she's seen everything he posted, as well as my response, though I've not heard anything from her since. We were actually supposed to get together tomorrow, which may not be happening now.

She's always been very supportive and accepting, so I'm guessing she's probably embarassed. How do I handle this whole situation? I'm not sure now if I still consider this man my friend, but I'm very close to Linda, and this whole thing is just touchy. Generally, whenever I get together with her, he's there, too. I'm not going to backdown from my position, of course, but I want to preserve my relationship with Linda if possible.

[keltic63]

sorry that I was part of that....jumped in with guns a blazin' I'm afraid. The thing is, I was a bit surprised by what he was posting in your note there. being your friend, I thought he'd have to know that what he was saying was not just offensive in general, but at least offensive to you. I'd say the first thing you need to do is talk to Linda, alone if at all possible.

I just "unfriended" someone on FB today. It's a tough decision to make, I've done it twice. Once, when a 'friend' suggested that everyone on his friend list go sign onto the Manhattan Declaration, and today, when a 'friend' posted that she likes "Glenn Beck". wtf? she's free to like whomever she wants, get her news/entertainment from whatever outlet she prefers, but we all must realize that our choices have consequences. Could that be something Linda needs to take note of? choices and consequences?

[bnmoore]

Originally Posted by antiochian

She's always been very supportive and accepting, so I'm guessing she's probably embarassed. How do I handle this whole situation? I'm not sure now if I still consider this man my friend, but I'm very close to Linda, and this whole thing is just touchy. Generally, whenever I get together with her, he's there, too. I'm not going to backdown from my position, of course, but I want to preserve my relationship with Linda if possible.

I would at least "unfriend" them both as he may possibly have access to her FB account. Even in 3D his presence would taint your friendship with her since he's shown his true colors. If you want to continue your relationship with her you could respectfully request his absence. You can say "no thanks" gracefully. She knows who she's dating.

[Daniel]

Linda has a lot of explaining to do, not you. Yes- have a conversation with her, and let her know that you won't put up with her beau's crap, especially on your Facebook page. If no apology is forthcoming from the man, then de-friend him. And if Linda wants to apologize for him, that is simply not good enough- she is then just enabling him. And do you need that kind of 'friend'?

[antiochian]

Thank you all. No worries, Steve--was glad to have a "co-warrior," if you will. He deserved to get blasted. I did send Linda a message that I'd still like to meet with her tomorrow, and no response.

What's funny is this guy then went into a little rant about things he thinks are "wrong," like homosexuality, smoking, etc.--um, he is living with his girlfriend, and they aren't married. There are plenty of people who think that's wrong. Of course, I could care less, but then don't be preaching this morality crap to me, Mr. Uppity!

We'll see what happens. I will try and get ahold of Linda again soon... This whole situation just makes me mad. She can't be held responsible for his actions and opinions, but she is responsible if she tolerates them. And if it means losing her friendship as well, then arguably I'm better off. I refuse to sacrifice my convictions, or my dignity, for anyone.

[pnggrad79]

I agree to unfriend them, at least until the situation cools down. Linda's bf seems a little misguided and tends to spout off about stuff he knows little about. And if Linda permits it, then she isn't much of a friend.

[tymejumper]

I would unfriend the guy with a message on how hurtful he was to post on your page the things he did. I would talk to your GF and tell her why you unfriended her beau. She may know about him being that way, but not want to choose, or she may think he will change and become more accepting once he knows you better. Technically, I suppose it's really his problem, not hers, but if she wants to see you and be friends with you, make it clear he is not welcome to tag along as you are uncomfortable.

I guess I would not make my friend choose between me and her guy, because once she does realize how much of an asshole he really is, she will need you to help her pick up the pieces again. If the relationship is worth it to you.

[bnmoore]

This brought some old memories to the surface for me. I was my best friend from High School's best man at his wedding. He was one of the first people I came out to. He never spoke to me again. His wife continued to call me all during their marriage, through their divorce, and for years after. It was her choice to reach out to me. This was in the seventies and perhaps before it was so easy to be publicly ugly.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by antiochian

Just wondering if someone might have some insight into a situation that's come up. I posted a blog on my facebook page yesterday, sharing my feelings about some lgbt issues. A number of responses came from a guy who I've considered a friend, though not a close friend, and he happens to be the boyfriend of a woman I do consider to be one of my best friends. I'll call her Linda.

I was a little shocked, since he's never shared his views on this before, and basically stated, among other things, that homosexuality is wrong, and that heterosexuality is the "natural, scientific, choice." (I wonder how many scientists would agree with him...) He also echoed the empty words that many homophobes will say about how "I have gay friends and I still love them." Of course, I did find this a bit hurtful, and one of my first instincts was to delete him from my friends list.

The guy is obviously ignorant, not a bad person but very ignorant, and though he claims he's not a Christian and is "anti-Church," has obviously not shaken off fundamentalist ideas. Linda, of course, is also my facebook friend, so she's seen everything he posted, as well as my response, though I've not heard anything from her since. We were actually supposed to get together tomorrow, which may not be happening now.

She's always been very supportive and accepting, so I'm guessing she's probably embarassed. How do I handle this whole situation? I'm not sure now if I still consider this man my friend, but I'm very close to Linda, and this whole thing is just touchy. Generally, whenever I get together with her, he's there, too. I'm not going to backdown from my position, of course, but I want to preserve my relationship with Linda if possible.

If this fella is important to you and if you are getting something from knowing him, invite him to understand what it is like to live ina state of oppression.

You may begin with "I see that you have been taught that the violence of oppression by homophobia and heterocentrcisism is justified. Would you be interested in learning why this is a violence toward you as well?"

Then, if he is interested, continue with your story of overcoming the violence of heterosexist oppression. Appreciate the opportunity to share in growing.

If he is not interested, don't waste your energy and time and focus your energy on beings with whom mutual appreciation is valued.