4 times! Really?

[pnggrad79]

Wife left me AGAIN!!!!This makes 4 times and I am as always left reeling with grief, dismay, anger, questions and I have people left and right giving me all sorts of advice. I can't eat and I can't sleep.

This time it is over money and nothing that couldn't be resolved, she is just under a lot of stress with her new business, but why is it always me that gets the boot when it gets hot in the kitchen?

My heart can't take this much longer. I am devastated as I have been the 3 previous times and my head tells me to get the hell away from her and that she is toxic, but my heart longs to be in bed with her snuggled up warm and close, and to smell her hair and hold her soft body next to me.

Was it all a delusion? Did I want it so bad that I made up a dream to justify it? Is this all her way of dealing with stress? Is a control tactic to get what she wants?

I need some advice and wise counsel. Oops, she did it again. And I am left with a broken mess to clean up and I don't know where to go or what to do with all that I am feeling... HELP ME!!!

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Wife left me AGAIN!!!!This makes 4 times and I am as always left reeling with grief, dismay, anger, questions and I have people left and right giving me all sorts of advice. I can't eat and I can't sleep.

This time it is over money and nothing that couldn't be resolved, she is just under a lot of stress with her new business, but why is it always me that gets the boot when it gets hot in the kitchen?

My heart can't take this much longer. I am devastated as I have been the 3 previous times and my head tells me to get the hell away from her and that she is toxic, but my heart longs to be in bed with her snuggled up warm and close, and to smell her hair and hold her soft body next to me.

Was it all a delusion? Did I want it so bad that I made up a dream to justify it? Is this all her way of dealing with stress? Is a control tactic to get what she wants?

I need some advice and wise counsel. Oops, she did it again. And I am left with a broken mess to clean up and I don't know where to go or what to do with all that I am feeling... HELP ME!!!

I'll bet Her problem is that instead of encountering a fear, focussing on that fear analyzing it wrapping her head around it, diffusing it and then acting reasonably.... she short circuits.

It looks like Her sense of inadequacy is activated by someone so she runs away from you.... so that you will run after her to "prove" that you are still her rescuer.

By doing so you counter the crisis with a strong action which opposes the inadequacy that someone else has activated within her. She gets back to a balance ....and you are a wreck.

I strongly suspect that Your problem is that your fear of the loss of your dream and her and being a failure as a lesbian, and her suffering, and that she might kill herself....... drives you to suck up her shitty emotional manipulative head games and play the part. This feels like the lesser of two evils

Can you tell that I have been there?

I tried several remedies. The first was that I could no longer be with my boyfriend. He was too adept at playing me for me to find a way to get my head out of his ass.

Then came the agnst, the sense of failure, the guilt that was as thick in the air around me as a cloud of poison gas.

Gin was my first sanctuary, then whoring, finally I started Reiki meditation and Mindful awareness meditation...and of course a good therapist.

She needs years of work with a therapist. So do you....... and so did I.

Only after years of dedication to making herself well will she have a chance to not short circuit. Only after years of the same will you not sacrifice your serenity to rescue her. The kick in the ass is, the more you rescue her, the more reward she gets, the more she will do it, the more misery you will endure.

You cannot fix her.....and every time you try , you make her problem worse. That's just one of the painfully ironic frustrations when attempting to share intimacy with someone who is driven by the fear of their own inadequacy.

Whether you two stay together or not, get professional, intensive, long-term counselling. Slowly change the fear-driven short-circuit to action and drama..... to compassion and awareness of self while in the hands of someone trustworthy.


Good luck sweetie!

[Pablo Rafael]

I have no advice or inspiring thoughts, but am thinking about you and praying that things will improve.

[pnggrad79]

As if her leaving wasn't enough to shatter me, just today, she cut my phone off and is threatening to not help me pay for the mortgages that are in both our names. She knows the two fears that terrify me the most are (1) her leaving and(2) withdrawing monetary support. And she does it to be vicious and mean.

Why when one says they "love and adore" you, do they turn around and act so vicious, cruel and mean? I don't get it! I tried, I really tried begging, pleading, anything and everything to get her to change her mind.

We have known each other for 22 years and spent the last 12 together. How can she do this to me? She can be a hardass, pushing those two buttons on me cause she knows it hurts me like hell. What did I ever do to deserve this? I know I am not innocent in this and I have my shortcomings and faults, but at least I want to work this out and I don't run away. What makes a person do this? I slept with this woman, loved this woman, sacrificed my family's approval for her, bailed her out of one situation after another. Was I not enough of a hardass? Was I too easy? Does she have me over a barrel?

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Was I not enough of a hardass? Was I too easy? Does she have me over a barrel?

Ans.

1.) YES



2.) YES


3.) YES

Get a lawyer, end it, and grow. It is time to play hardball and kick the shit out of her. Make yourself a total nasty bitch in her life history.

Sorry sweetie, but it is over. salvage what you can for your self and move on.

After 22 years, it is too late. She doesn't love you enough to care whether or not she hurts you. You were her emotional toilet paper. Now she found something else. Sweep away the broken teeth that fell out when she kicked you in the face and go on. Get drunk. Get laid. Party hard.

Been there, Done this, learned my lesson, can't spare the time for more bovine scat piles, not enough years left.

[pnggrad79]

She just finds new ways to make me angry and hurt me more. Now she says she doubts she is even a lesbian. OMG! After 22 years of being in love with a woman and sleeping with a woman for 12 of those years, and she has the nerve to say that? What the hell?

I asked God to show me with clarity what He wants me to do and where to go and today He showed me what kind of person she really is and I knew she could be mean as a snake, but she reached a new low today. I am done. Enough of her drama! Begone you lowlife bitch!

[pnggrad79]

It is July and she is still gone. I am in Anchorage with my sister and seriously considering moving up here permanently even though I am cold all the time. We have a lot of financial troubles at home that I am leaving her to deal with, and frankly I am just running away from it all. She chose to leave and I guess I did too. I really miss her but hate her all the same.

Is there really any hope for the brokenhearted? Does it ever really go away?

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

It is July and she is still gone. I am in Anchorage with my sister and seriously considering moving up here permanently even though I am cold all the time. We have a lot of financial troubles at home that I am leaving her to deal with, and frankly I am just running away from it all. She chose to leave and I guess I did too. I really miss her but hate her all the same.

Is there really any hope for the brokenhearted? Does it ever really go away?

At some time you will stop in your tracks and wonder. When did I stop pining over her? You will not be able to know it when it happens, but it will. Start a new chapter that is your life.

Take up a new purpose that demands your presence in the moment. From this moment on the rest of your life begins. Dye your hair. Go on a crash diet. discard your old clothes and pictures. leave the past and don't look back. Sell all of your belongings and buy a motorcycle or something similar. Take up cross-country skiing and ice fishing. Join the national park service

Find the opportunity in change that leads you to the satisfactory new option this is frredom from your old self that needs to die, wants to die..and be reborn into a new self that does not let the wonder of discovery become shackled by the past.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

It is July and she is still gone. I am in Anchorage with my sister and seriously considering moving up here permanently even though I am cold all the time. We have a lot of financial troubles at home that I am leaving her to deal with, and frankly I am just running away from it all. She chose to leave and I guess I did too. I really miss her but hate her all the same.

Is there really any hope for the brokenhearted? Does it ever really go away?

Yes. The pain will grow less in time.

I've had some pretty hard things happen to me in the last couple of years and have been practicing a meditative technique called Tonglen to deal with things. It's not about making the pain go away, but rather, keeping the heart open- having compassion for one's own pain, and that of others.

We go to therapists to help us 'hold' things, give them context, figure things out. But in the end, we have to do this for ourselves. Life doesn't make sense sometimes, at least not the sense we want it to make. We can love others who don't love us back, do things that hurt ourselves and them, and in blindness cause such pain. And it can be hard to stop and just 'be there' with the feelings that arise.

Guess what I am saying here is that the only way to deal with feelings is to have compassion for them. That's what's helped me the most. Compassion gives them some room to breath so that they don't suffocate me.

Tonglen, or some other 'practice' is good medicine. Better than a bottle, a gun, or some other unskillful action. I'll be thinking of as the light comes up here in New York City. May it shine on you.

[mighty]

You both need to sit together and try to resolve your issues for your future life.

[pnggrad79]

I don't ever want to see her face again. She has hurt me beyond measure. I need some lesbian love. It will never happen to me again. I love/d her but she is intent on destroying me.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I don't ever want to see her face again. She has hurt me beyond measure. I need some lesbian love. It will never happen to me again. I love/d her but she is intent on destroying me.

In one way she made it possible for you to make a clean break by demonizing herself.

Simplify your life. get rid of "stuff" material and otherwise. Let go of the home you had. Rent out your house, or sell it.... or if the mortgage is too big, let go of it after yoou have made other plans. Everyone's credit sucks today.

I used to have pictures over 12 years of my ex and me. I burned them and cried. now I live in the moment and can let in joy. I'm 46 and have about 10 years left that I desire to experience. I can waste no time with the past. After the next decade, I could give a damn whether I continue living.

This is the finale, dear. This is the last ride. spend it up and seize the hell out of the day

[pnggrad79]

She told me the other day that she was listening to a song by Steve Wariner called, "All Roads Lead to You" and I just sobbed. Why if she sings this song to me, why the hell is she still gone?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF7WTzyPKb0

[pnggrad79]

She sings songs to me like the one I mentioned, yet when we talk, she does nothing but list off a litany of complaints and things I did wrong. Never admitting failure on her part, but you would think I ran over her mother, and killed her dog the way she rants and raves. I just don't think I was ever good enough for her and why she stayed around for 22 years is beyond me. She says whatever I did that was unintentional, it is still unforgivable. Where do I go from here? She already says I am wasted flesh and a piece of $%#@! How do you love someone whom you think is wasted flesh? I just don't understand any of this.

And these complaints? Most of them I knew nothing about. She didn't bother to communicate anything to me. I guess one of my other flaws is that I can't read her mind. I guess now she expects me to walk on water and bring the 10 commandments down from Mt. Sinai.

[Daniel]

At least that's what it sounds like. Stuck is some weird passive-aggressive S & M dance with the woman who left.

Scotty is right. You need professional counseling. And you need it ASAP. Like yesterday.

Has it ever occurred to you that you may be getting something out of this drama, that nothing is gonna change until you get off the 'juice'?

What are you waiting for?

More drama?

[pnggrad79]

I don't know Daniel what I want. I am stuck in this damn rollercoaster of wanting her back then tell her where to go and how fast to get there. She has been so cold and ruthless and mean spirited that I don't know what the hell I was thinking to ever think this would work out. I almost swallowed 72 pills today because I was so despondent and wanted some relief of this pain in my chest. Fortunately, my sister opened the door before I could do it and talked me down.
I go home back to Texas in less than a week and I am terrified of living alone, in a godforsaken apartment. My two girls will be gone in a year or so and there I will be alone with just myself and that terrifies me. My sister reminded me that I was not God and didn't hold my future. She told me that Jeremiah 29:11 was true and I needed to just focus on the day ahead and not worry about tomorrow. So I got up and went for a massage and I know I need to get her out of my mind and my heart but damn her and damn everything she ever told me. So many questions and no answers but to run to Jesus and step out in faith that he has my life in his hands and everything will work itself out. These are the lyrics to the song she said to me 5 days ago made her think of me and cry. What the hell?

ALL ROADS LEAD TO YOU by Steve Wariner

Blacktop's burning, heat waves rise
Pick up my shove, l put my back to the grind
Got another job in Flagstaff and this one's paid

I work the freeway, the pays all right
But I can't get you off my mind
'Cause every stretch of highway ends the same

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you

The boss said one more mile to go
The last one always goes so slow
If I could just turn off my mind I'd be all right

But I keep wondering what went wrong
Whose holding you now that I'm gone
There's not a minute that goes by you don't cross my mind

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
[ Steve Wariner Lyrics are found on www.getlyrics.com ]
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you

The sun's getting to me
I think I see you in every car that passes by
No way around it I'll always love you
Any fool can read the signs

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go, whatever I do
All road lead to you

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go whatever I do
All road lead to you

All roads lead to you
I thought I could forget but it's now use
Your memory is there wherever I go whatever I do
All road lead to you


WTF? Why would she say this and if this song means a damn thing why is she acting so cold and heartless and cruel? I don't get it!!! I know I keep rambling about this but she just keeps poking the wound with a hot poker and I wish like hell she would just let me go and quit twisting the knife. This song says one thing but she does the complete opposite all the while saying she loves me and misses me. BULLSHIT!!!!!!!

Moreover why do I listen to this nonsense? Why does she mean so much to me? Why can't I get over her? Will I ever? What does this all mean? Is she just as screwed up over this as I am? Just puts on a better face?:conf used::

God Help ME!!!!!

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I don't know Daniel what I want. I am stuck in this damn rollercoaster of wanting her back then tell her where to go and how fast to get there.

You need to get professional help & a support system ASAP. God helps those who help themselves.

[bnmoore]

Although it may be nearly impossible to do when you're in the middle of something that is happening to you it might distract your mind to perhaps do a little reading on Impermanence and Relationships. It is much easier in hindsight and when the drama is someone's other than your own. It is true enough that the only way out is through.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I almost swallowed 72 pills today because I was so despondent and wanted some relief of this pain in my chest. Fortunately, my sister opened the door before I could do it and talked me down.



God Help ME!!!!!

No! No, no, no, no, no!!! You will feel differently at another time. Don't give up on life!

PNG, I'm so sorry! You've had a lot of really tough breaks a bunch of times. No wonder you feel so bad. It will NOT last forever.

I was feeling totally trapped and helpless about something (totally different type of thing, but still) last winter, and now after 2 months living in another country speaking another language, it feels so different. I can see why it was tough, but on the other hand, it's changing and I'm looking forward to so much.

Get a support system in 3D. Internet helps, but face to face can mean more - we need that 'real' connection more than we know. Sounds like your sister is a possible support. Who else do you know who you can be with? You need someone who knows what you're going through who can help - nothing better than a pro here, like a therapist or psychologist. But you can also feel so much better just from fun socializing - go to the movies with an acquaintance you'd like to know better. Movies are great when we're down. Go to the theater where there's that big screen, surround sound, and the dark environment, and get totally lost in the story. Go as often as you need to in order to distract your mind from the circling thoughts you're having.

You need a support system to stay healthy and safe, and you need distraction. Find the funnest thing you can think of, especially good if it's something you always wanted to try and never got around to, and go do that!

[scott snedeker]

It's not her so much as the dream. The dream died and that's what is so dificult to let go of.

Get out of your house/ apartment. Get something simple. Volunteer somewhere and as Daniel says, get a professional to help guide you away from self-destructive impulses. Buy yourself flowers to show your heart that it is loved.

burn the dream. Keep your focus simple and away from it. Like training a puppy to sit on the paper. When it strays, gently redirect your focus on volunteering or cleaning. Try reading a new book, or pick up a copy of Walden. get your focus directed toward something new and away from reminders of the drama.

The dark grudge-gratification of self -injury is addictive. when it won't go away get really angry and punch a bag with boxing gloves or go running and wear out yourself, smash beercans, chop wood, yell obscenities call her a bitch for ruining the dream! It is the Dream not her that you loved most.