Thoughts

[pnggrad79]

I am presently in counseling because of what happened between my ex and I. God I hate saying ex when referring to her, but I guess I have to swallow that pill as well. There are so many why's that I have no answer to, and I wish I could talk to her to see where her head is at, because I honestly have no clue.

What do I do with all the things she ever said to me? Count them as lies and realize she didn't mean a damn thing she ever said? She was the only person to ever tell me that my skinny legs were beautiful. She was the only person who ever said to me, "You look good enough to eat!", and take me the way she did, and love me so passionately. Was all that lie? Was all that just BS?

It is hard for me to distinguish lies from the truth when I thought all along they were the truth. Did her truth change?

I think it is over for good. Even if she came back and wanted to try again, which would happen if hell froze over, but I have said so many times that it was over for good and it wasn't, so who am I? I don't think I would be strong enough to tell her no, if she did, because she has a way of making me melt, and she is my strongest weakness.

How do I get over her? Will she be the standard by which I pit every other lover I ever have against? How fair is that? Can I ever get her out of my brain when she was everything to me? I wish I could have a lobotomy, maybe then I wouldn't remember her.

[Victoria]

What you describe, when you seem to think that "this was love", sounds to me like an addiction. There's a ~huge~ difference between the addictive feelings that are akin to "infatuation" and what ~Love~ really is.

Maybe you could go to an AA meeting, and just listen for a bit, and when they describe "Alcohol" ~think~ about "her", and how they'll say the same things, about what They thought They were in love with...

In order to Truly Love someone, and be with them in a long term relationship, you need to be Whole and Complete, in and of yourself. The wishy washy romantic drama's where one person tells the other "I'd be lost without you" and "You complete me" are not descriptive of Love, they're descriptive of Need, as if someone ~else~ has what ~they~ need, in order to simply exist, when you can Never Lose what you Truly Love.

The ~hard~ part, sometimes, is ~realizing~ that you ~already are~ whole and complete, in and of yourself... because at ~some~ point in your life, you swallowed a lie that said you weren't. A Lie that said you ~needed~...

When you can start to see that, then you can start to feel how ~Needing~ someone and ~wanting~ someone, in your life, are almost exact opposites.

You can't Love something that you Need, because something you Need ~controls~ you, and takes away your fee will... When you start traveling down ~that~ road, the only thing you'll find, is pain.

[pnggrad79]

True words of wisdom, Victoria. But I don't know how to correct it. I have never lived alone EVER. I have never been totally by myself, in order to figure out myself. I was too busy trying to placate marriages where the other person had their own agenda and was too busy trying to control me. And I was the fool for letting them, but didn't know how to do anything differently.

It is one thing to say "Love yourself" when I just don't see much there to love. I don't know myself. It is scary to even think about. I used to think, when I was married to her, that I didn't have to have dreams of my own, because hers always took precedence. Her dreams were always the more important. I guess I got that from my parents. "Always defer to your "husband"

I wish I didn't need her. When push comes to shove, I really don't think I actually do NEED her, but I definitely WANTED her. There was nothing about her that I didn't love. I loved her company, her smile, her wit, her mannerisms, her passion, everything. I just don't understand any of this.

Moreover, I thought she was it for me. She was so different from my husband. I thought it was true love. I thought she meant what she said. But how does a person spend $1200 on new wedding rings on Tuesday, and then less than 24 hours later, wants to end the relationship? I will never understand that.

[Victoria]

Just try spending time with yourself, and get to know you. I always ask God for help with such things...

and yeah, sometimes it might seem awful, facing the hurts we have inside, and they can be scary, or just feel like shit, but those Feelings are ~still~ just Feelings... and they, of themselves, can't Hurt you... as long as you can keep that in mind, you can hurt With them, and Through them, to Heal them...

Sometimes it's ok to just curl up in a little ball, in the closet, wrapped in a snuggley blanket, and cry... just set a Limit, and don't get Stuck there, and don't Leave yourself there...

I wish I had a scanner, so I could post a drawing I did recently, but the message is similar to this:
In Despair,
Angels Reign (Rain (Healing (Tears (Tares (Wounds))))

[scott snedeker]

What the two of you, PNgrad and Victoria are doing for each other is providing fellow companionship out of darkness, out of hell.

I had the same Journey with my beloved Adrain. We were, like you guys, in a mind trap for years (with other people).

appreciate the value that you are to each other. Use each other as a sounding board. Share what you learn with experience. Heal each other and yourselves.

It is a journey of emancipation.

[pnggrad79]

All I know is since May when she left the 4th time, I have been in virtual prison of sorts. The prison consisted of a lifetime of memories, some good, some horrible, but always love. Perhaps addiction, and as I explore this it seems aspects of it were addiction for both of us. I got a brief respite from my prison from October to Feb, only for her to do this to me again. Only this time, I am not so much heartbroken as I am just wondering what the hell happened? And I turned a corner because I am damn sure not going back to that mess again. I don't know what her problem is with commitment, but I don't have to put up with the yo yo effect. I guess I was a conquest, because she pursued me to the ends of the earth practically, and when she got me, then she started this backing off dance, which included making everything else important but me. It's like she had me and I wasn't a challenge anymore.

I am 50 years old, and starting over scares the hell out of me. But do I have a choice? Not really.

[BrianB]

What do I do with all the things she ever said to me? Count them as lies and realize she didn't mean a damn thing she ever said? She was the only person to ever tell me that my skinny legs were beautiful. She was the only person who ever said to me, "You look good enough to eat!", and take me the way she did, and love me so passionately. Was all that lie? Was all that just BS?

It is hard for me to distinguish lies from the truth when I thought all along they were the truth. Did her truth change?

Many of those things she said were true. Her purpose for telling you those things was the lie. She said those things to manipulate your feelings. I know it's a hard thing to accept that the one person you thought you could trust was just telling you what you wanted to hear. I'm sorry that you have had to go through all of that.

As for being on your own: I can tell you that it's better than being in a toxic relationship. You may get lonely but there are things you can do to be less lonely. The important thing is to not sit around and just think about things. That road only leads to deeper depression. Find a group that has the same hobby or interests that you do. It really helps to get dressed up and be around other people.

[bnmoore]

Volunteering is a fairly effective way to take your mind of your own problems and is often an uplifting experience.

Your location says you're near Houston. We have a center on Spring Stuebner Rd. (Creative Life Spiritual Center). It wouldn't hurt to talk to Rev. Jesse or Rev. Marsha or any of the practitioners.

Their newsletter mentions and EFT group. (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

[pnggrad79]

Thanks, BN, I will check it out. When I get to missing her, I tell myself it is the fantasy I miss, the reality that she is a narcissistic control freak with avoidant tendencies and is emotionally stupid, I don't miss. I don't have to get caught up in her drama. Let her go! It is killing the fantasy that is hard. It was a nice fantasy. But a fantasy that doesn't exist for me anymore.