Calgon take me away...

[PostGenXtian]

This is just a simple request for prayers/thoughts. I'm going through a rough patch, I guess. I've left my church, alienated a few people in that process, and have really been leaving my integrity at the door. I'm feeling really disconnected from...well...everybody - including God...which is my own doing, I'm sure. On top of all this...my Mom has been more sick than usual (cirrohsis) and my Dad is drinking like a fish - a BIG fish...and I don't expect him to survive the summer. My life feels a lot like a country and western song lately. It makes me anxious. I hate disappointing people, and I hate confrontation...so usually I just hide...which is taking the easy route out. I'm starting to receive angry messages from people that I have disappointed - people who I shouldn't be afraid of disappointing...and it's making me feel this --> . small. I've never been big on integrity - but it just feels like it's getting worse...and...I feel like I'm on a very destructive road. Gah. Oh yeah...and I broke a bone in my foot on Friday - and I've been hobbling around like an idiot all weekend - and going stir crazy!

[keltic63]

Peace to you!

Integrity. It's never too late to start working on your integrity. Honesty really is the best policy: you don't have to "remember" a story when you tell the truth.

Disappointing others? There's no way you can please everyone, so don't try. Be authentic about who you are and either people will accept you or they won't. If you try to placated everyone, you'll end up being miserable.

[Zerbie]

You are in my thoughts, and I am wishing you well. May you be at peace even now, while going through these challenges.

Keltic is right. Honesty, integrity,. . . it is so difficult to live without these things. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Communicate communicate communicate!
I'm sorry that you feel stressed, and "small." If you have made mistakes, forgive yourself, and move on. Then do better next time. Otoh, maybe you haven't made "mistakes," maybe you just made some decisions those other people don't want to accept. Leaving your church? Sounds like there is a story there.

It also sounds like a lonely, insecure time right now. Sorry to hear it. Meanwhile, you have us. Come back and let us know how you and your parents are doing, okay?

[Daniel]

Talk to someone! And not just here my friend. You have my prayers certainly. Life is hard enough without everything piling up to the rafters as it seems to be doing for you at the moment.

It's hard when we feel like we're disappointing those who expect certain things from us. But I gotta say (which may be counter-intuitive) that you have to make yourself happy and peaceful first. Mistakes? Everyone makes them. That said, Zerbie and Keltic are right: meaning what you say and saying what you mean is a huge step- taken again and again- on the road to integrity. It gets easier, but that first step, sometimes reflected in an apology, can be very very hard.

One 'trick' I learned from the Buddhist's: when criticized, respond with 'thank you' and nothing else. This gets everyone off the hook and has saved my ass more times that I care to remember.

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by Daniel

It's hard when we feel like we're disappointing those who expect certain things from us. But I gotta say (which may be counter-intuitive) that you have to make yourself happy and peaceful first. Mistakes? Everyone makes them.

Daniel has stated the thought I was aiming at. You can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. You only have control of your own peace and happiness. If that disappoints others, it is their choice, not your responsibility.

[Rick336]

I agree with these guys.

I've found that keeping a journal helps me. I've been writing stuff down in a journal since Jaunary 1967, almost 40 years. I write down both the bad times and the good times.

When I go back and read over my entries of the past 40 years, I've learned that no matter how bad times get, good times are always ahead. Always.

Trust me. They're ahead for you too.

Rick

[loveforall]

God loves you with all of his heart! Just give Him your all and know that he cares for you very much! If you're strugglilng with sin or anything in your life, just cry out to God and He will wrap His loving arms around you and assist you in any way, shape or form He can! Just give yourself totally to Him and He will listen to you! The Psalmist David poured out his heart to God everyday, crying prayers like: "The dogs of Bashan are surrounding me, please deliver me!" (Not an exact quote, but the gist of his prayer.) David always poured out his heart to God when he was heartbroken, beaten down or stressed out. So get it off your chest and tell God all about it! He loves you with all of his heart!

[PostGenXtian]

You know I don't ever think I've been good at doing what I say I'm going to do. It's just not something I mastered - or even just sort of did. Right now I'm trying to find a job up north, and move back up there as well...which is something I've been talking about for almost a year now. Actually, I've sent out more resumes in the last two weeks than I did in all the seven months I was unemployed - although - I'm sure the people whom I love - who I lie to - would be confused by that statement. Sometimes it feels like there is so much punishment/resistance when I try to change something about myself. Sigh. One bite at a time, right? Stupid big elephants in the room. I hate them

[Vanessa White]

Dear Post: I don't know your specific life circumstances right now, beyond the pain of watching your parents doing so poorly- you have many prayers from me on that one, I wish you peace through that. Even if those around you may not agree with/understand your process, now or in the past, it really does not matter, or we learn to convince ourselves that what others think does matter. I have recently made one of the hardest choices of my life, and many people who love me, including my ex, and my kid, and even some of my family members and friends, do not get what I did because it doesn't make sense to them. But, even when the voice is small and weak, the only voice that I can listen to, to know the answers, is my own. In ignoring that voice for so much of my life, I have looked to others to fulfill/complete me and my needs. I need to now learn how to meet my own, and hopefully, eventually, find someone that meets their own, so we can share the rest of life's journey together. As far as isolating yourself, sometimes I do resort to self-prescribed isolation, when I need time to just sit in my own thoughts and not reach out. That is okay if it helps and is productive, not destructive or self-hating, to you. I also agree with Rick, that journalling is a tool that I use frequently, now more than ever. It is allowing me the outlet to vent good and bad, and to try to make sense of my mixed up head. My biggest challenge is asking others for help- I am not always comfortable doing that, because I feel like I am imposing myself on others. I am trying to break myself of that belief, because I need to lean on others at times, and they want me to, as well. Hang in there, try to take care of yourself in a gentle fashion, and please keep us up to date. Peace and love be with you, Vanessa

[nowvoyager]

Poor petal. I reckon everyone here has been through a rough patch like that so we know a bit how you feel. Sucks, huh? (Did you hurt your foot kicking the pesky elephant in the room? Maybe you should. Don't hurt the other foot though)
Maybe it wasn't really safe to say what you meant in the past, if your family have troubled you? But you can now, and you can learn how to now, even if you feel it might be a bit late. You're your own person now. I'd say, find someone who'll still listen and start with just them, and just one thing, and see how that goes, and work up from there.
I'll say a prayer for you, too. And I agree with Rick, it does always get better, there's always a sunny patch to come.