Step by step... healing transformations... & sex advice

[NathanATX]

You know how I'm always talking about the outreach that I do on myspace? There's a guy named "Joe" (name changed) that has been argueing with me for quite awhile about homosexuality & the Bible. I want to share what he wrote today and my response. I think he's finally starting to accept himself as a gay child of God!

And, yes, I gave him some advice on sex & dating... which I'm sure will be of interest to you all.

Peace,
Nate
____________________________________

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: "Joe"

Paraphrased: "I've been doing the ex-gay thing for awhile and it hasn't been working. Lately, my sex drive is out of control and I'm worried I might throw ALL my values out the window and hook up with some anonymous guy. (My insight: This kind of fear of doing something "wrong" is what motivated him to be "ex-gay" in the first place.) What do I do?"

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here's my response

Take a deep breath and know that God loves you.

Gay & straight guys struggle with keeping their sex drive under control, you realize that right? It's maybe easier for straight guys to keep their libido in check because most girls aren't as sex-motivated as guys are. It's even easier for Christian straight guys because they have the intention of sexual purity and if they are around/dating Christian women who have the same intention... they'll both have a lot more self control... maybe.

Sex is easy for gay guys. You find someone who "will do for the moment" and you go at it and you later forget his name. I imagine that straight guys often use girls the same way.

Joe, as Christians, as people committed to be like Christ and to live our lives with love and compassion, using people for our sexual pleasure just doesn't work. You *will* feel guilty after a hookup. You *will* feel distant from God.

Why? Because promiscuity is usually something that is very selfish and self-centered. You end up using someone in a very personal & intimate way to meet one of your needs/wants. And then you discard the person. You're good for awhile until those needs/wants rear their heads again and the you find another victim.

Being a gay Christian is tough because you will have *many* opportunities to put your faith on the shelf and follow the crowd. I think what you should do is start by really evaluating what kind of person you want to become.

What are your gifts? What are you passionate about? What are you called to? What kind of life do you want to have? What kind of impact in the world do you want to make? Do you want a husband? Kids? A successful career? A life-changing ministry?

Once you figure out and write down the kind of life you are committed to, you will find that you *are* strong enough to resist temptation... you *are* resourceful enough to get your personal needs met through friends & family instead of using someone... you *are* committed enough to wait until you find the right guy that God has for you before getting physical.

I would also say hang around people who have the same values as you. There's a ton of gay christian young people out there. You might also be the guy in your circle of friends that helps them to start changing their lives.

Peace,
Nate

[Joe Brummer]

I think your advice is great, but I am also not sure what happens to people's trust when you repost their emails....even with the Name changed. I know if I was him, I might be upset about that.

I think you have the best intentions, but sometimes we all have to think twice. maybe you asked first, but if you didn't, I would delete this. That could be really upsetting for him if he saw this and blow any trust you have with him..

[pnggrad79]

Nate,
Good advice to your MySpace friend. It is difficult enough being gay without having the sex thing enter into the picture. As a lesbian, the only woman I have ever had sex with is my wife. I am her only one, too. I can't imagine having to rationalize to myself that casual sex is ok. But I understand gay people especially guys do it all the time and don't blink an eye. I don't judge them, but I couldn't do it.

[NathanATX]

Originally Posted by Joe Brummer

I think your advice is great, but I am also not sure what happens to people's trust when you repost their emails....even with the Name changed. I know if I was him, I might be upset about that.

I think you have the best intentions, but sometimes we all have to think twice. maybe you asked first, but if you didn't, I would delete this. That could be really upsetting for him if he saw this and blow any trust you have with him..

I guess there is a risk of that happening. If it did happen I would be more than willing to have a conversation with him about it.

I really feel that his situation is a common one and that many would benefit from my response to him.

I'll think about editing his portion though...

[NathanATX]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Nate,
Good advice to your MySpace friend. It is difficult enough being gay without having the sex thing enter into the picture. As a lesbian, the only woman I have ever had sex with is my wife. I am her only one, too. I can't imagine having to rationalize to myself that casual sex is ok. But I understand gay people especially guys do it all the time and don't blink an eye. I don't judge them, but I couldn't do it.

Hey girl,
This situation is a little different because the guy has been trying to convince me for eons(it seems) that he is doing the right thing by doing the "ex gay" therapy programs. Now, he's basically on the verge of throwing out ALL of his values and doing something that a) could put him at risk for an STD and b) he will more than likely regret.

My coaching for him was centered on learning to manage & be responsible for his sex drive... especially as a Christian.

[Zerbie]

Hey Nate sweetie, your wonderful intentions read loud and clear!

Hafta say despite that, Joe B has a VERY important point. I shudder imagining someone finding their hugest personal struggle shared so publicly. You're right, it's a common struggle, but in this case, it's "Joe" whose personal matter this is, and that's why I agree with Brummer here. - I like your idea of editing "Joe's" original message. Or maybe you could even recount in your own words the gist of what he said to you, then post your advice. Which is great, and absolutely needs to be shared.

Regards the sex versus ex-gay issue, it looks like a clear-cut case of the pendulum swinging wildly to the other side before it balances out. All energies seek balance, and the stronger the energy the more important it becomes to balance/discipline it, so it doesn't rule you. Sex is one of the most powerful energies there is. Stands to reason that if the sexual urge is repressed for a long time, it might easily bust out of control completely. I've known those who repressed their sexuality for years and then went over the top when they finally released the barriers to its expression. I also know a couple folk who were extremely unregulated and even unethical in their sexual behavior for many years who then felt compelled to become celibate as their lives moved them towards balance by swinging dramatically in the opposite direction. What "Joe" needs to do is allow that sexual energy to seek balance, as healthily as possible, trying to avoid extreme responses. That may mean a lot of solo activity until he meets an appropriate partner. Whatever it takes to be healthy physically and mentally, and as you say, to respect others as well.

[Daniel]

Nathan- Aside from the ethical questions re your post and one's involvment in relationship and sexual matters, I would like to mention another very important issue for this fellow to deal with: the facts on how to protect himself as well as his partner from HIV, when, and if, he decides to engage in sexual activity. As one who grew up during the beginning age of AIDS, when the first wave of deaths crashed over everyone (I narrowly dodged that bullet!), enough cannot be said about how to protect one's self and beloved. Young men are still becoming infected with HIV everyday and should know the facts- and I mean REALLY know them. I can think of no other kind of information that a young gay man should avail himself of. To learn the facts and live them is itself an act of love.

[Zerbie]

Oh, yes! I forgot how cavalierly many people take the issue of "safer sex." And I have also forgotten how crappy and inaccurate/nonexistent sex ed programs have become in the 10-plus years since I got outta high school.

Yes, young people need to be completely and thoroughly informed and know how to protect themselves and their partners. Crucial. I tend to assume people know already, and that they are going to actually use that information. Wrong and wrong. Too many folk don't.

[NathanATX]

The letter is modified...

[Jennifer5]

Good point Daniel... Zerbie, I know what you mean... I usually assume that other people my age know about this... but all my friends are completely clue less.... I don't know what happened, but people don't tell their kids much any more... yes, "Joe" needs to know this...