Facing my fears

[Vanessa White]

Hello all: I had pizza and conversation last night with Mia, here in Northeast PA, and one of the topics we spoke about is the newest Soulforce involvement in addressing discrimination toward LGBTQ people. The newest initiative, at least one of them, is going to be quite local to us and Mia has an active role in it. I want to take part, I have wished for an opportunity for such a thing most of my adult life. However, there is a nagging, constant feeling of fear that I am not sure what to do with. It is not that I do not want to participate, it is that I continually ask myself the "What if?" kinds of questions that intimidate me about being directly involved in it. The fear is completely the opposite of the energy that I have to get involved and use my voice and my openness. I feel all mixed up here. Anyone that can identify with this to help me a little? Any Equality Riders out there reading that experienced some of what I am talking about??? Thanks friends, Vanessa

[Zerbie]

It would help if you were more specific as to the nature of the involvement you were considering, and what about it scares you.

Or perhaps you aren't able to pinpoint what about it scares you, because it's just a general "feeling" that doesn't seem on the surface to be attached to something.

Either way, I DO relate to this. A great deal. I've been passionate about activism since childhood, but also scared of repercussions, too. I've been to marches and rallies where the rules stated you couldn't step on the grass, only the sidewalk, and when people around me walked on the grass I got panickly thinking, "What if they arrest us all because this guy's on the grass? " That sort of thing.

It sounds like your passion to be involved outweighs your fears, and besides, fear of doing something new, especially something so outspoken (and "controversial") is a part of the package. Since you have such a passion, it is going to lead you to face those fears. And then you grow.

Last fall I made my first ever public speech. It was on National Coming Out day and the speech was against our state's marriage amendment that we're going to vote on soon. Everything went great, I was psyched up, feeling strong, confident in the message, the speech went swimmingly and everybody cheered.

Then I got home, and had a huge anxiety attack that night. I was sure something awful was going to happen because I had spoken publicly. And then I remembered the night when I was a child and I spoke out against anti-gay hatred at home, asking my mother to help. She slapped me I don't know how many times, puncuating each slap with:

"Don't. You. Ever. Talk. Like. This. Again. Homosexuals. Are. Sick. Sick. Sick. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to your father. Don't talk to grandma. . . "

on and on she went, menacing me if I should ever say a positive word about gay people to anyone ever again for the rest of my life. And all of that came back to me after I delivered that speech, but of course, at first I didn't know why I was having the anxiety attack. Finally, I made the connection. I was scared of getting in serious trouble with mommy. So the next step was taking stock of the fact that mommy doesn't have that kind of say in my life anymore, and if I want to speak out, I will.

All of which brings me back to, is your fear related to something specific? Or is it a fear related to the unknown, doing something new?

And of course, the most important part of all this is: But you're doing it anyway!!!!! Look at you!!!!!! You are tremendously courageous, Vanessa. You are doing wonderful things! I am so proud of you. I am cheering you on in your new endeavor already!

[Steven E. Webster]

ML King has a wonderful sermon on fear that I think appears in the book "Strength to Love." Anyone else familiar with it?

Fears can spring from childhood hurts like Zerbie suggests. One might seek therapy or some other help to cope with that. Sometimes it takes more than just will power and encouragement from friends. One may need to listen to those fears and take care of them rather than expose oneself without proper preparation.

I saw a pastor totally fall apart psycologically when her congregation (and she personally) came under attack for being "pro-gay." It just brought up too many memories of childhood abuse for her and she was not prepared to handle it.

Steven Webster

[Vanessa White]

Thanks Steve and Zerbie: Your posts make much sense to me. I have never been a person that, when I am afraid of something (when I have allowed myself to even admit that I was afraid) that would based on that fear, be paralyzed by it, or let it control me. I have always faced my fears, and eventually, not been afraid at all. The Soulforce action involves sit ins, in public places, as signs of support to LGBTQ persons. My fear I guess is if there if I were to be verbally or physically confronted, or arrested. I would not want repercussions on my job or my daughter. But, then I think, that to speak up for something I believe in is what I am all about, and for that reason, facing the fear would be worth it. I just did not expect to be afraid of this, what I have wanted to do for so long, I guess. I don't know that I have any fears based from bad experiences from the past. That story of yours Zerbie gives me even more respect and admiration for you, and standing by your values and beliefs as an adult. Thank you so much for giving me such positive affirmations, that feel just like you were here with me giving me a hug, and that means the world right now.....
Your words, both of you, have helped- thanks.

[BruceChris]

"Speak your truth, even if your voice trembles" Now who said that? Some woman, let's see, Eleanor Roosevelt, Maya Angelou, I forget. Somebody help me out here.

Vanessa, Zerbie, we LOVE you guys!

[Daniel]

From time to time I think of that snappy book title: "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." It encapsulates, at least for me, some of the warrior energy that is needed when one sets out to accomplish anything that really means something, where one has put everything on the line.

For me, this goes far beyond mere confidence and is more about daring. One has to dare or die at some point: Jump out of the plane, scale that wall, dive in in the deep end, run and run until there is nothing but running and the feeling of the wind and the sky and the earth below. Fear may try to stop us, but I think it is also nature's was of telling us that the gig is up and change is at our door step- ready or not- and we are given the opportunity to 'clean our closets'. It's the time to discard what isn't working any more and FOCUS on the things that matter with laser-like attention.

And after one finally jumps in the pool, there is the part where one just keeps doing and doing and doing. Or as they say in politics: "Stay on message."

[Jennifer5]

I think you have already gotten really good advise...

My experience is that facing your fears really is the only way to go... which you seem to already know... the only thing is when thinking of your job, you may not want to be getting arrested... and when thinking of you and your daughter, just remember to say what needs to be said with love... it's much harder to argue with and is better received.






Zerbie, those stories always make me sad

[pnggrad79]

Zerbie- It still astounds me how powerful parents' messages can be and how those "tapes" in our head still play from time to time. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I hope that you have been able to move past it. How is your relationship with your mother now?

About fear- that has been a theme of my life, being fearful and letting it form my thoughts, actions and life course. I know it is somewhat trite and cliche-ish, but a counselor once told me that fear is False Events Appearing Real. The first letters of each word spell out fear. We can't live by fear, but we often do. Sometimes you just have to do it despite your fear and be prepared to face whatever happens.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Zerbie- It still astounds me how powerful parents' messages can be and how those "tapes" in our head still play from time to time. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I hope that you have been able to move past it. How is your relationship with your mother now?

About fear- that has been a theme of my life, being fearful and letting it form my thoughts, actions and life course. I know it is somewhat trite and cliche-ish, but a counselor once told me that fear is False Events Appearing Real. The first letters of each word spell out fear. We can't live by fear, but we often do. Sometimes you just have to do it despite your fear and be prepared to face whatever happens.

Cool acronym! I never saw that before.

How's it with mom? Could definitely be better. But ever so slowly, it is getting better. Just the other day she asked what I want for my birthday. I mentioned an article of clothing, and/or a donation to our campaign to defeat the amendment. She emailed back asking what is the campaign? I've sent her the link numerous times, so I just sent it again and said, "read this."

[pnggrad79]

Zerb-I didn't think of that one-asking my mom or dad to donate to the gay rights cause (or HRC, GLAAD, or any other hundred or so gay rights groups). I think I will follow suit. If they want to give me anything, that would be something I want. Equality... Good one!

Well, about your mom-good luck and press on. You can only be who and what you are and same with her.

[Vanessa White]

Hello all: I just wanted to let you know, that I faced a different kind of fear head on this week, and I think that it has helped me to have a clearer perspective on this situation as a result. I spoke my true thoughts to a person that I really care about this week, and the person did not get freaked out or walk away- they stood by me and supported me. As I read over this thread tonight, I realize that facing that fear, which was quite intense for me, has helped me to understand that I can overcome just about anything, as long as I am true to myself and others, and as long as I am being who i am meant to be. I am meant to be an advocate, supporter, a representative of this community to give a voice to those who may not be able to use theirs just yet. I am meant to show others how impacting truth can be on their lives, and to show them that truth sets them free, it doesn't imprison them more!!! TRUTH is the key to so much that there is to life- I am so grateful that I understand the importance of it. I am finding that the more that I am in touch with what that truth is for me, the less afraid that I become. With that being said, I think that I am ready, to be who I am meant to be...... I am sure there is much more to follow!!!!!!!

[Jennifer5]

That's great Vanessa!!! Good Luck on this journey!! It can be scary... but wow, is it fun!

[nowvoyager]

Vanessa, that's great that you had such a personal experience of speaking the Truth, and you're clever to see it as a way to bolster your courage about being an advocate and activist. The Quakers have many writings about speaking truth, they have an important saying: "Let you Yea be your Yea", and an injunction to "Speak Truth to Power" as a key component of influencing change. Maybe some of these writings will inspire you further? They're all over the web.

Best of luck in your Truth Quest

[BruceChris]

Vanessa, in your last post, you leave us with the impression that you are about to go out and do something new and noteworthy. Keep us posted!

Peace and Love, BruceChris

P.S. Have you read your own Signature Quote lately?

[Vanessa White]

Thanks BruceChris: Just reread my quote and felt the words deep within. I believe there are many new, noteworthy exciting and challenging things on my horizon, with Soulforce, and with me personally. Maybe they won't show themselves fully for some time to come, but I do believe good things, better things, are coming. My blessings abound!!!

[tdogg]

Vanessa,

In order to overcome our fears we have to face them and defeat them. There was a cool saying in the newest Batman movie - in order to overcome a fear one must become that which they are afraid of. In other words, march full force right through the very fear! Which, it sounds like you are doing so well done and onward! (I'm proud of you!)

I wish you all the best in your 'new' ventures, and am so happy you will be standing up and taking action for our LGBT family - we couldn't have a better soldier on our side! Keep us in the loop, I will keep your ventures, courage and most of all you in my prayers as you commence your new calling. How exciting!

PS. your daughter is lucky to have such a mom and role model as you!

[Vanessa White]

Thanks, tdogg- I feel like I just got a great, big cyber-style bear hug from you, and it feels so good. I am hugging you right back.

[Jennifer5]

send some of those from me ((hugs))