gaydadwriter monthly column

[gaydadwriter]

“When I was your age…”
By R.E. Morin

“I have not so much thought my way through life as done things and
found what it was and who I was after the doing.”- Ray Bradbury


When I was my son’s age, I was married with two kids. In some ways, I
was responsible, in others, horribly irresponsible. I thought I was doing
the right thing by starting a family, although many around me were opposed. Mine was a gay marriage of a different sort, the kind where a gay man marries a straight woman. Sound familiar?

Very few days pass, out in our community, when I don’t meet another gay
dad. Very seldom though, do I meet a father who has had sole custody and has raised his kids without help from their mother. Usually, a divorced
father sends child support payments and gets weekend visits. My world was a little different because a post-divorce car crash impaired my former wife’s physical and mental capabilities. The poor kids got stuck with me!
If you want to bitch about those child support payments and how you
sacrificed your weekends and vacations to tend to your little ones, then you can cry on someone else’s shoulder. If you’re weary from years of
tending to the perpetual piles of dirty dishes and laundry, your nerves are
frazzled from frequent trips to the Emergency Room, the School Counselor and perhaps the occasional Police Department, then sit next to me.

I used to have this crazy fantasy that by the time my youngest was 18,
my burden would be tremendously relieved. No more laundry and dishes,
because they can do their own, right? No more playing taxi, because they’d
have driver’s licenses and cars. They’d have jobs and money of their own…
I had ALL those fantasies! And that’s exactly what they were.

In the last two months I have spent countless hours sitting in
hospitals, bailing out towed cars, preparing and cleaning up after meals and
handing out what little cash I have, to these “grown” children. The middle
child got married and moved away, at the same time struggling with a terrible illness. The oldest hit yet another “rock bottom” and has come home to have his wounds tended, and the youngest is still here, getting ready, I hope, for college. I used to think it was hard when they were little. I had no idea…

My kids and I had a serious talk the other day. It was important for
me to let them know that I understand their struggles. I’m proud of my kids
for being sexually responsible, and not making babies (yet…). They have
caused plenty of mischief in their lives, but at least they haven’t dug
themselves in so deep they can’t get out. When my parents were the age I am now, my brother and I had already given them four grandchildren. They were no more prepared to be grandparents, than we were to be parents.

If someone had told me that at forty-four I would be struggling just as
hard at parenting as I was when I was twenty, I’d have died. The challenges I face daily are no less arduous, they leave me drained and feeling like there’s so much more to be done, still. Every day I ask myself what I can do differently or better. Just when I think I can quit the therapist that I’ve seen for twelve years, I realize that his job with me is still quite secure. One thing that is helpful is that I’m much more tempered and resilient than I used to be. Instead of freaking out when my twenty
two year old son crawls home after a drunken brawl with his rock-band
buddies, I sit him down to punish his aching head with a long story. It starts like this- “When I was your age…”

[Jennifer5]

Hi... nice to meet you!

Sounds like you've got your hands full and are completely over-whelmed... and I know I may not be the one to say it... but things get better... it takes time.... but I think you'll find friends here, that can help make it through the hard times

We all have different stories... but we all go through hard times... and we're here for each other, at least that's been my experience.... we're glad to have you here, and hope you come back a talk with all of us more

[BruceChris]

I want to welcome you to our website, and offer you support, much as Jennifer has done. And, I would wish for you for things to get better. Do not be afraid to ask for help, where ever it may be available. I wish I had something definite to offer, but I am in a rebuilding processes myself these days.

Peace and Love, BruceChris

[nowvoyager]

I add my welcome to you, Gaydad, I hope you can escape from under a pile of stuff to come post here again

[Lydia]

Welcome, Gaydad.

How old are your kids?

[ProudGay40]

I have three daughters and I have the same sort of fantasies that you speak of. I see my youngest finishing high school in 10 years and me having the peace of knowing I raised them well and they are on their own.

I really feel for you becuase I am one of those dads who has thier children with them every other weekend. I am blessed with an exwife who is a great friend and we parent as a team as much as we can.

My partner is still adjusting to my girls and they to him. It is not the one big happy family that I envisioned but I hold hope for continued closness and sahring between him and them.

I wish you the best with your children. I hope things become more peacful for you. I know as a single parent we tend to over do the taking care of things and allowing for faults etc. At least I do.

Yours is the first post I have read here since I a new here and it was nice to hear from another gay dad.

Take good care,
Billy