The War At Home... Mine

[Mia14]

I love my girlfriend deeply. I think we have the potential to keep this relationship far into the future. Presently however, we're living in her parents' home. Her father does not know (or at least has not been told and does not acknowledge) that we're gay because everyone knows he'd react violently if he ever found out. Her mother always ignored the issue and her grandmother seems to really like me and tries to help us out whenever she can.

Lately, though, her mother's views of homosexuality have become more extreme. All of a sudden, she's screaming very ignorant and offensive things at us (won't post here, no need to subject group to negative things they know exist). She threatens to tell her husband and reminds us that he'd throw us out or worse. Gradually, her verbal violence has increased until it's reached the point where she's yelled at the both of us for the past 3 or 4 nights - at the top of her lungs.

I consider myself a strong person and I have a lot of passion for the people and things I love. I love her, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's just so violent and so painful to be in between all this.

I'm thinking of moving out, but I don't know. I don't know where I could afford to live. I don't know what would happen to Bridget if I left. I don't think she'd have the courage to follow me out - we've discussed it many times before and she's always been firm about staying here. I worry about what would happen to her if I left, but I don't know if I can stay. I don't feel comfortable staying in such a negative situation that I can't change. I can't change it because she doesn't want her dad to know yet and she doesn't want to upset her mother and.... UGH!!! What about me?

I don't know if maybe I'm overreacting or maybe even underreacting. I love her, but I don't know if being verbally abused is something I can get used to. What to do? Are there any options I'm not thinking of?

[Jennifer5]

That's a hard situation Mia... and I'm not really the one to give you advice... good luck though.. hopefully someone else will have some ideas may be try and convince your girl friend to move out

[Dash]

Originally Posted by Mia14

Lately, though, her mother's views of homosexuality have become more extreme. All of a sudden, she's screaming very ignorant and offensive things at us (won't post here, no need to subject group to negative things they know exist). She threatens to tell her husband and reminds us that he'd throw us out or worse. Gradually, her verbal violence has increased until it's reached the point where she's yelled at the both of us for the past 3 or 4 nights - at the top of her lungs.

Oh Mia, I'm so sorry that this is going on. Ignorant, offensive yelling aside, it sounds like you are enduring some very difficult psychological assults. The threats to remove you from your home and end the relationship of your girlfriend and her father by outing you both...these represent incredibly violent and abusive behavior, in my opinion. I could only encourage you to find a way to live apart from such unloving abuses. The ever-present threat of a possible physical response from the father is also a great violence against the two of you.

On the other hand, it is very difficult for anyone to live long in a closet, and it sounds like your girlfriend's mother is kind of going through that. Am I right in understanding that she knows the two of you are in a relationship, but she has refrained from telling her own husband? That must be very difficult for her too.

For now, at the very least, I recommend that you prepare yourself. Start looking around for other living situations and develop a plan for the time when you must leave. Don't wait until you find yourself sitting in the middle of the street with nowhere to go.

Remember you have a loving support group with resources all over the world. :-) Don't hesitate to ask if something goes awry and you find yourself in need.

Love

[Zerbie]

Oh wow.

It's late & I'm pooped, but I was visiting here one last time tonite and saw this, and had to try to respond, tired and loopy tho I am.

Like what Dash says - be prepared. Find a safe space to live where you are not under someone else's roof and authority. And do so BEFORE you end up on the street with your bags and no place to go. That was me several years ago and it was terrifying.

You gf has grown up in this environment you describe. She is used to it. It must be incredibly hard for her to separate her psychological self FROM it. Nevertheless, you can't be there for her, unless you yourself are *okay*- and living with the threat of violence, either physical OR psychological, and the threat of sudden homelessness, is not going to allow you to be your best self. Either for you, or for your gf. If she will not move out also, why could you not get an apartment- either a studio on your own, or move in with a roommate you know and have some trust in? That doesn't have to mean rupturing your relationship. In fact, if you have your OWN space, as adults free from the dictates of parents, that would mature your relationship into a new level, I would believe. Even if it is technically yours, she would also have that safe psychological space to retreat to when wanted.

Her mother must be under tremendous strain and conflict. That doesn't make screaming at you at the top of her lungs okay, just that it's probably steam popping out. a sign that there is a lot more pressure there that's building up, and it will blow at some point if the pressure is not released through some kind of a situation change. She has to be anxious if she has become aware of the relationship and feels pressured to keep it from her husband. It isn't your fault, and your first responsibility is to yourself. But I would strongly suggest removing yourself from the living situation that is building up into an escalating battle. If only to protect yourself. I think that would also be best for taking pressure off your gf and off of her mother.

I would consider whether it's time for your gf to carve out her own living space as an independent adult, too. I know finances are difficult, sometimes prohibitively so. But perhaps, one of the first priorities needs to be getting to a safe space where, when she comes home at the end of the day, she knows she is free to be herself. Where she has control over her environment, and doesn't have to please someone else in order to have a roof over her head.

[pnggrad79]

Mia, I agree with Dash. You know the situation and you know that you can't take this much longer, nor should you take it. Keep in mind that things change, and it won't always be like this, but you have to take control of your destiny whatever that may be. Like Dash said, be prepared and don't let yourself get into a tough situation where you have no place to go. Start looking now. If your gf follows, that would be great, but like you she needs to take control of her destiny, too. Bottom line-do what is best for you, and in time, maybe your gf will do the same. Please don't stand there and take this abuse. It is damaging and hurtful. I know being caught between a rock and a hard place. I understand that. I am just saying, talk to your gf and explain to her what you are feeling and you two work it out. May God guide you in your steps and keep you safe.

[Daniel]

Mia- My heart goes out to you! Clearly, you've got your hands full on several fronts: your GF and her mother and father. I agree with Dash- I would seriously think about finding another place to live. Be prepared to leap- but know where you are leaping to. And Zerbie is right, your GF is ubdoubtedly used to things and may not be able to consider what is actually happening to you or to herself. Taking care of the other person in our lives means first taking care of ourselves- and that doesn't mean being selfish- in fact- it is quite the opposite of selfishness. We cannot give what we don't have. You may be the only one who can see clearly in this situation. And because of that, you must be the one who ACTS. It's hard. Very hard to do. But I believe in you. Now it's time for you to believe in yourself. And I bet Dash is right: when you have your own space, your GB will be very very glad. You won't be rejecting her, you'll be showing her the way out of a cage of fear.

[Vanessa White]

Hey: You know I support you, and I care about your love as well, especially because she is important to you. Do what you need to do, especially to keep yourself emotionally safe. Every person in this situation is only doing the best they can do at this point in their lives, but you are entitled to live in a relatively stress free environment, and when your girl feels ready, she can join you there. Where there is a need to make a change, a change to improve our lives for all the right reasons, there is always a way. You can do this, and keep your relationship, and your love can maintain her family relationships until she feels ready to break away. It can be, it just feels real big right now, but all will be well. Call me, will you? Don't neglect reaching out in 3D too! Peace to you, her and her family also- Vanessa

[sbonser04]

mia, i know its hard dealing w/ "S". I know the family very well and have been a guest in their home for about 4 years now. The last time iwas there she was talking to me about everything. Its really hard for her to come to terms w/ the fact that her daughter is a lesbian. on top of it she can't talk to her husband openly about it b/c she is afraid of how he will react. All around its a hard situation.

Mia, look around campus, watch for room mates wanted adds, they are all over. I honestly think it would be good for you to not be in that enviroment. I'll watch for add for u as well.

I think you know as much as i do that your gfs reason for wanting to stay at home is b/c of her grandmother....i could be wrong, but i feel that is a huge part of it

[Mia14]

Thank you, everyone for such warm and caring responses. I've decided that, yes, I will be moving out. Not far away, but far enough so that I can have some GLBT-friendly space to appreciate.

I think everyone's right about the need to be prepared in case her father does find out - and this will be good because she can come to the apartment if he finds out and overreacts. I know it'll happen sooner or later, but I can't make the decision for her to tell him or to move out.

It also must be hard for her mother. She keeps talking about how neither of her children have lived up to her expectations, which is something she'll have to learn to live with because her daughter isn't going to marry a man and her son isn't going to be a priest.

I've thought about getting roommates to help with cost - sbonser's idea to keep an eye out around the college is a good one. Eventually, maybe she'll be ready to move in with me, but until then we'll have a safe and personal space without the threats and fear. Maybe a few weekends away from home will give her mother time to think about things.

The future is a bit uncertain, but I think it'll be ok. I talked to my girl about it and she's worried that I'll wind up moving too far away, but I promised her I'd stay close and she doesn't seem too upset about it. Her reasons for staying might also be to help her grandmother, who is also not benefitting from the home situation, but I think her grandmother is stronger (and smarter) than most of us.

I think it'll be ok. It won't be easy, but at least I have all of you for support!!

[Zerbie]

I'm glad you came to a decision, and it really sounds like the wisest one.

You'll make it, no you won't be far from your girl, and everything WILL work out shortly. You'll see, I'm SURE the pressure will drop with the new arrangement.

All the best to you and your loved ones.

Z

[trulyme212]

I'm sorry i read this so late Mia-

but I wanted to send you hugs!

Maybe I will see you soon and can give you REAL hugs!!

[BruceChris]

You are young and flexable, and I'm sure that you and your gf will bounce back to being in control of your lives, and probably learn some very good things from this. I was just about to suggest that you read the thread "God Made Me Gay" which has some serious wisdom in it, when I realized that you were the one who posted it! I think that you are well on your way, just make sure that you keep the communication open with gf, and try not to be angry with the parents. Unlike them, you have your whole life ahead.

Peace and Love, BruceChris

P.S - This will almost certainly give Bridget a wake-up call to make some decisions in her life that will then lead to HER growth. Hang in there, things will get better.

[Dash]

[Jennifer5]

I think you're making a good decision! Good Luck to both of you! Things will work out!!!

[nowvoyager]

I'm sorry too, that you're going through this. I agree that you're making a good decision, and I hope you find that some mental space from them gives you new ideas about ways to deal with them, and ways to assist your gf too. Good luck

[Vanessa White]

Mia: Your courage, determination and energy inspire me today. Just wanted to tell you that. Keep on keeping on......

[tdogg]

Mia,

I'm glad you are thinking of yourself. Be strong girl - love has a way of making it through adversity.

Take care and let us know you it's all going!

[Lydia]

I'm a little too late to give advice, Mia, but I am praying for you and your gf. (Hope that's ok. )